Shopping Readiness Test

Inspect your cart. Does it have a wonky wheel?

Yes.
No.

All shopping carts have one wonky wheel, like all families have a dysfunction. They're MADE THAT WAY.

Now you're ready to start filling it with goods. But wait! There's snot and fecal bacteria on the handle! What do you do?

Wipe it with antibacterial sprays, wipes, and/or gel.
Use it anyways.

Pfft. Who are you kidding? I know where your hands have been. Pervert.

The fold out section at the front of you cart is meant for

soft fruits, eggs, and vegetables
soft, egg-headed children like your vegetable

Neither! In this soon-to-be-post-apocalyptic wasteland, the fold out section is where you put your taser, mace, rape whistle, spiked club, sawed off shotgun, and any phased plasma weapons in the 40 watt range.

Where are the best place to keep your hands and feet while the cart is in motion?

Hands at the 10 and 2 positions on the handle, feet firmly on the floor.
Hands at the 10 and 2 positions on the handle, one foot on the bottom rack.
Inside the cart at all times.
On the front! Woo!

Hands at the 10 and 2 positions on the handle, feet firmly on the floor. (Unless no one is looking.)

It is illegal to park your cart...

...within a cart's length of the end of an aisle.
...within a cart's length of another cart, blocking the aisle.
...within a cart's length of someone restocking shelves, blocking the aisle.
...within a cart's length of someone restocking shelves, blocking the aisle.
...upside down, unless you're Lionel Richie.
...in the middle of an intersection.

All of the above

You should spend your time in the checkout line...

...reviewing your purchases and preparing exact change
...reading celebrity gossip

Everyone knows that only sex-starved anal fetishists read People!
Holding a magazine with "5824 ways to wow your lover" on the cover is like telling the world you suck in bed.
The same logic applies with "2x10^17 fashion tips for next season" and "5 log(i) ways to get that beach-ready butt"

Congratulations, you've reached the end of the test! Do you know someone with bad shopping cart habits? Pass this on!

Coming soon: how to pass people when you're walking on the street

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